Courtship VS. Dating: It's the People, Not the Model

After watching this controversy go on for quite some time, I've finally decided to put in my two cents. I've never written on it before, because it just wasn't my thing. I felt like everything to be said on the subject had already been said, and it seemed like all the other Christian bloggers I knew had this subject covered (which they do!). However, I've been reading a lot of interesting articles from both sides of the debate, and a few recent posts have moved me to speak.

I grew up thinking that dating, along with the whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing was just weird. It didn't look right, it didn't feel right, and I told myself I'd never do it. And so I haven't.

When I was about 17, I decided that I needed to start preparing for marriage. I really had no idea what I was doing. If I wasn't going to go the way of dating, what way was I going to go? So I read about courtship. I read I Kissed Dating Gooodbye, and I've since read many good articles and blog posts supporting and promoting courtship. I've also witnessed friends go through successful courtships that led to happy marriages. Courtship seemed like the best and only option.

However, I've also watched courtship fail. And I've watched dating succeed. And I've read blog posts and stories and articles saying the same thing. More and more people are saying that courtship is fundamentally flawed, much the same way that we would say dating is fundamentally flawed. And they make some really good points, some of which I agree with.

So what's my stance on the two now? Well, I don't think that courtship is the only way to go, and I don't think dating is as bad as we make it out to be. I'm a total heretic, right? But hear me out.

I agree with both sides of the dating/courtship controversy when they say that there are fundamental flaws. But those flaws are not within the models of courtship or dating. Both models have their pros and cons, both can lead to God-honoring marriages, and both can lead to heartbreak and bitterness. How is this possible?

The models aren't flawed. People are.

To prove my point, let's look at dating's "fundamental flaw," as outlined by many pro-courtship sources. The fundamental flaw with dating, as I've read and have been lead to believe, is that it puts all the focus on self. That it's all about seeing how much pleasure you can extract from the other person. It's all about you, and not the person you're dating. Indeed, this is often how it's done, and I observed this first-hand.

But what is a date? Typically, a guy asks a girl out, they go out (typically to a restaurant or movie), and the guy pays for everything (typically). I see nothing inherently self-centered with that model, do you? Why not? Because whether or not you act self-centered does not lie within the model: it lies within your character.

The main argument against dating is that a lot of the people doing it become self-focused, and the relationship ends up bitterly failing as a result. So we do away with the model.

But what if I told that the same is true of marriage? "a lot of the people doing it become self-focused, and the relationship ends up bitterly failing as a result." You're probably familiar with America's divorce rate. So should we do away with the model of marriage? Of course not! Because the problem is not with the model. It's with the people.

The reasons so many dating relationships fail, so many marriages end in divorce, and even some courtships end in bitterness, is not because the models are inherently flawed. It's because people are inherently flawed.

You can be self-centered on a date, and you can be self-centered in courtship. The fundamental flaw is not with dating, nor with courtship; it's with you. You are self-centered. I am self-centered. Humans are all, by nature, fundamentally self-centered, and that effects everything we do. That's the fundamental flaw.

The only solution to this flaw is to make Christ --not ourselves-- the center of our lives and our relationships.

"This is love, that we walk according to His commandments. This is the commandment, that as you have heard from the beginning, you should walk in it." -- 2 John 1:6

If you make it your goal to please God rather than yourself in your relationship, then things will go a lot better for you. That doesn't mean your relationship will work out the way you want it to-- sometimes God has other plans, and if He does, you need to bow to His will. Pleasing God might mean "breaking up" with someone who does not have Christ-like character. Pleasing God, obeying His commandments, and following Him is not easy, and often painful (Matthew 24:9). But it is worth it.

Here's the bottom line: what matters in a relationship is not the model you follow (courtship vs. dating). What matters is the character of the individuals involved, as that will dictate the outcome of the relationship. And if the goal of both people in the relationship is to please God, then as long as they meet that goal in the way they interact with each other, then the outcome of that relationship will always be for the best.

Whether you date, court, or follow some other model, I pray that you put Christ first, and make pleasing Him the focus of your relationship.

So what about me? What model will I follow? I'm really not sure yet. I may not follow either. My parents didn't court, but technically, they didn't date either. I might do the same thing. I might even stay single; as much as I dislike the idea, it might be God's Will for my life. I don't know. But here's what I do know: I will seek to please the Lord in all that I do. And I hope you'll do the same.