Thursday, August 14, 2014

Courtship VS. Dating: It's the People, Not the Model

After watching this controversy go on for quite some time, I've finally decided to put in my two cents. I've never written on it before, because it just wasn't my thing. I felt like everything to be said on the subject had already been said, and it seemed like all the other Christian bloggers I knew had this subject covered (which they do!). However, I've been reading a lot of interesting articles from both sides of the debate, and a few recent posts have moved me to speak.

I grew up thinking that dating, along with the whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing was just weird. It didn't look right, it didn't feel right, and I told myself I'd never do it. And so I haven't.

When I was about 17, I decided that I needed to start preparing for marriage. I really had no idea what I was doing. If I wasn't going to go the way of dating, what way was I going to go? So I read about courtship. I read I Kissed Dating Gooodbye, and I've since read many good articles and blog posts supporting and promoting courtship. I've also witnessed friends go through successful courtships that led to happy marriages. Courtship seemed like the best and only option.

However, I've also watched courtship fail. And I've watched dating succeed. And I've read blog posts and stories and articles saying the same thing. More and more people are saying that courtship is fundamentally flawed, much the same way that we would say dating is fundamentally flawed. And they make some really good points, some of which I agree with.

So what's my stance on the two now? Well, I don't think that courtship is the only way to go, and I don't think dating is as bad as we make it out to be. I'm a total heretic, right? But hear me out.

I agree with both sides of the dating/courtship controversy when they say that there are fundamental flaws. But those flaws are not within the models of courtship or dating. Both models have their pros and cons, both can lead to God-honoring marriages, and both can lead to heartbreak and bitterness. How is this possible?

The models aren't flawed. People are.

To prove my point, let's look at dating's "fundamental flaw," as outlined by many pro-courtship sources. The fundamental flaw with dating, as I've read and have been lead to believe, is that it puts all the focus on self. That it's all about seeing how much pleasure you can extract from the other person. It's all about you, and not the person you're dating. Indeed, this is often how it's done, and I observed this first-hand.

But what is a date? Typically, a guy asks a girl out, they go out (typically to a restaurant or movie), and the guy pays for everything (typically). I see nothing inherently self-centered with that model, do you? Why not? Because whether or not you act self-centered does not lie within the model: it lies within your character.

The main argument against dating is that a lot of the people doing it become self-focused, and the relationship ends up bitterly failing as a result. So we do away with the model.

But what if I told that the same is true of marriage? "a lot of the people doing it become self-focused, and the relationship ends up bitterly failing as a result." You're probably familiar with America's divorce rate. So should we do away with the model of marriage? Of course not! Because the problem is not with the model. It's with the people.

The reasons so many dating relationships fail, so many marriages end in divorce, and even some courtships end in bitterness, is not because the models are inherently flawed. It's because people are inherently flawed.

You can be self-centered on a date, and you can be self-centered in courtship. The fundamental flaw is not with dating, nor with courtship; it's with you. You are self-centered. I am self-centered. Humans are all, by nature, fundamentally self-centered, and that effects everything we do. That's the fundamental flaw.

The only solution to this flaw is to make Christ --not ourselves-- the center of our lives and our relationships.
"This is love, that we walk according to His commandments. This is the commandment, that as you have heard from the beginning, you should walk in it." -- 2 John 1:6
If you make it your goal to please God rather than yourself in your relationship, then things will go a lot better for you. That doesn't mean your relationship will work out the way you want it to-- sometimes God has other plans, and if He does, you need to bow to His will. Pleasing God might mean "breaking up" with someone who does not have Christ-like character. Pleasing God, obeying His commandments, and following Him is not easy, and often painful (Matthew 24:9). But it is worth it.

Here's the bottom line: what matters in a relationship is not the model you follow (courtship vs. dating). What matters is the character of the individuals involved, as that will dictate the outcome of the relationship. And if the goal of both people in the relationship is to please God, then as long as they meet that goal in the way they interact with each other, then the outcome of that relationship will always be for the best.

Whether you date, court, or follow some other model, I pray that you put Christ first, and make pleasing Him the focus of your relationship.

So what about me? What model will I follow? I'm really not sure yet. I may not follow either. My parents didn't court, but technically, they didn't date either. I might do the same thing. I might even stay single; as much as I dislike the idea, it might be God's Will for my life. I don't know. But here's what I do know: I will seek to please the Lord in all that I do. And I hope you'll do the same.

13 comments:

  1. Excellent post! Thanks for putting this up :)

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  2. Well put, Jonny, but I have a different opinion. I think both are (allow me to channel my inner Obi-wan for this: from a certain point of view) a waste of time. The idea that you HAVE to follow either of those models is wrong. My own parents hardly knew each other (they couldn't even speak the same language, the only way they could communicate was through Bible verses, which is actually very cool) when they got engaged, and they certainly never followed "the model" for either coutship OR dating. Of course, Dad continued to "woo" her after they got engaged, but that is a different matter. It seems like dating or courting are the only two choices presented nowadays and that's not true. Whatever happened to just doing what God wants you to do? He's been able to get all the right people together before the whole dating vs. courting ridiculousness (Not to say that it's not a serious issue, but that some people take it to a ridiculous level) and He has no problems doing that now. Okay, rant over. I wasn't ranting at you directly, just letting a little steam out. :-P

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    1. Good input, Mongoo. I would agree with you that a false dilemma of "you HAVE to pick one" has been set up when it comes to the whole dating/courtship issue. I kind of almost barely touched on that in my last paragraph when I mentioned my parents, though now I wish I had made it more clear.
      Yes! Honestly, people act like courtship has biblical or historical roots, but the greatest generation dated, and in the Bible they did betrothal. Courtship is actually comparatively new and vague (not saying it's a bad system). But yeah; if God wants two people to be together, He'll make it happen by whatever means He sees fit!
      Anyway, good thoughts! Don't ever be afraid to rant... you usually have something very helpful to say!

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    2. Haha, yeah, usually... *embarrassed silence*

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  3. I was getting ready to disagree when I saw the title of this post....but I was actually surprised to read it and find practically no fault.
    I totally agree that how a relationship goes completely depends on whether is it self-center, or God-centered. Whether you date, court, or whatever...if you're looking to God for guidance you can't go wrong!

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  4. I like it, and I wholeheartedly agree! :-)

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    1. Glad to hear it! I'm really curious as to what Reagan and your mom think of it...

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  5. I think you are correct that it does come down to the people, and not the model.

    People are flawed, and we are subject to temptation and giving into temptation. We are easily blinded by our emotions, and driven by the desires of our heart, rather than what would be good for others.

    I think it is because of these facts that it is wise to set boundaries for ourselves. Boundaries - properly placed - promote human flourishing. We have speed limits, stop-signs, and lanes to promote safety while driving. Why? Because driving is dangerous, and boundaries keep us safe.

    Whenever you are dealing with romantic relationships, there is some danger there, spiritually, emotionally, and physically. The world tells us we should just follow our heart, and we've witnessed the devastation that has brought to society.

    Therefore, I believe it is the wise who create for themselves intelligent boundaries (which I believe courtship/betrothal does). Even good people can be led to make mistakes or bad decisions when not acting within healthy boundaries.

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    1. Thanks for your comment, Reagen!

      I agree with you for the most part. The human heart is corrupt, we shouldn't let our emotions lead us, and boundaries are important.
      But when it comes to danger, I think we can agree that there is possible danger just in looking at a girl. So should we put up boundaries to block every possible danger, and never look at a girl again? I don't think it is necessary to block every possible danger, since that is impossible. Should we have no boundaries then? certainly not!

      Some boundaries are necessary, and some people may need more or less than others based on their character. Like you said, it's wise to create "intelligent boundaries" when it comes to relationships. Of course, the definition of "intelligent boundaries" will vary from person to person, but I think it is possible to date with intelligent boundaries.

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    2. I don't propose blocking every possible danger. If I believed that, then I would say we shouldn't seek to marry at all.

      But yes, there will be some disagreement about where boundaries should fall. So long as your reasoning for such boundary placement is wise, loving, and Biblical, it should be good.

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    3. Of course. I hope it didn't sound like I was trying to misrepresent your position.

      Yes; I agree. :)

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  6. Great post! I started off with the same opinion and then changed my mind to the latter after seeing that article go around. Its nice to see someone is willing to change their mind as well! :-p

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Please, feel free to post a comment! I very much enjoy hearing other people's opinions, regardless of whether or not they are in agreement of my own. Just please remember to keep comments kind and respectful, otherwise they may be deleted!